Hello My Loves,
So in today’s blog I thought I would do a story time of my life at 16 year old and why I tried taking my own life so here it goes.
So in 2015 I was 16 year old… At the beginning of the year I didn’t know my life was going to end up the way it did. It was like my life opened a door to something far different, to something I will never forget, to something I’ve never experienced. This is going to be part one of two stories so lets start from the beginning.
The end of 2014 I met someone, a boy who I really liked but I had no idea where this thing we had would take me. Good job I like the unknown. Before me and him got together he slept with my best friend but the worst part about this my best friend knew I liked him but she blamed it on been ‘drunk’ but that is a story within itself for another time. Me and bob (not his actual name) eventually got together on the 27th of December 2014. We had the roughest of starts to a relationship and I was 15 at the time and oblivious at the feeling I had, I never felt this before. So the doors of 2015 opened…
So the beginning of 2015, I lost my best friend, and I met a bunch of new people I called ‘friends’ at the time. It was like it was a new me, I just turned 16, I had a new friendship group, and I had a boyfriend. I had one girl, who would call me her ‘best friend’ and I am gunner name her Alice (random name). What I didn’t know, she was bobs ex and she was obsessed with me and him. And me? I was lost within my own body and it was about to get so much worse so lets skip a few parts.
A few months in… I was still hanging around with the same group of friends, and for me and bob we became toxic. However, I couldn’t let go. I couldn’t let go of that life, I never gave up. I just went to bed and hoped it would get better the next day but it never did. I couldn’t feel, I was completely numb and blinded. So why was I like that? My ‘boyfriend’ at the time was a damaged soul, I now know that but back then I didn’t. He did things what people will never forget, he did things what was normal to him, but he was somebody who always asked me for help but his actions didn’t match to what he said. He constantly cheated on me, he came back with love bites all over his neck, he touched my friends in front of my own eyes, he always said he would always choose Alice over me. I was always his last option. For Alice, she use to physically hit me and threaten me if I ever went near my own boyfriend, I got called ‘fat’, ‘ugly’, ‘slag’. I have no idea why I stayed, but it was normal too me, it became my life, I was so use to it, it literally became part of my life, it’s the way I saw myself.
For months, I was lost. I wasn’t treat the way I should have been, I didn’t treat myself, I didn’t stop it. It gradually got worse. Every single day I was out from morning til night with the same people, the emotional abuse, the abuse got worse, I wasn’t aloud to be happy, me and bob wasn’t in a ‘relationship’ it was just a mess. So I eventually turned to alcohol, I drank everyday, I smoked weed and I became this person where I needed these things so I can be ‘fun’ but really I needed to hide all the pain I was going through with my second friendship group. Then one night, bob was with me and my second group of friends and he ended up having sexual contact with her and I saw it… so I abused him. Something I would never see myself doing. I hit him, and I him and I hit him over and over again. Anyway, I carried on drinking, til one day my livers fucked up. That same day I found out…I drank. I didn’t care, I came to the point in life where nothing mattered no more. My livers actually became better a few months after that.
So the day I actually overdosed. Prior to this, me and bob eventually became everything I wanted. He was the man I wanted him to be, but I couldn’t do it no more. I waited for this so long… I eventually gave up. So I remember clear as day, he was on my phone and he asked me “Shannon, are you sure where not getting back together. Because if where not then I am moving on, I am going to get with another lass.” So I let him go, and he did, he left. So this one Wednesday, he hugged me from behind and he was laughing, he was smiling, he was happy… something I never saw before. Then, he found out I moved on too… and his face dropped. I looked into his eyes, and he was not happy. He then just sat and didn’t talk… I never saw him like this before. I waited until his new girlfriend came from work, he popped over to the shop and I was just stood with his auntie and he came over offered me a drink… and started getting jealous again. His auntie asked him one question, she asked him if he still loved me…he paused and said no. So the next day, 15th August 2015. I woke up, really early and I decided to take a bunch of pills and hid them in my bra and I walked to the tunnels where I had the best memories most of them where drunk but hey I wanted to take the tablets and walk around the places where I had the best of memories. So I decided to sit there and I took all the pills… and I didn’t regret it at the time. Shortly after that my head was spinning, like I’ve drank an excessive amount of alcohol. So I met one of my friends, and he just thought I was drunk and I remember going to the shop and looking at the sky it was going so slow, it was bright blue, and the clouds looked like heaven. I don’t know if it looked that way because I was high of pills. Anyway, bob turned up and me my friend and him was just walking and I started to look worse for wear I am going insert a picture now..
Basically there was a video, I was hitting my head of the floor, screaming, crying like I was possessed. I wasn’t me. Then he text one of my best mates at the time, and he didn’t believe it. So while he was on the way to see me, my friend left, and me and bob was just alone. Things started to happen, he thought I was on drugs. Anyway, my best friend came and I looked at him and cried and immediately regretted it… I saw through so I told him. He just looked at me, and hugged me…, he was in disbelief himself. So Bob then realized I actually overdosed and he was stuck by my side for hours. I talked to my mates mum she gave me a grilling but I love her, the ambulance was taking so long and I remember the tiredness I was feeling, I was hugging into my mate just falling asleep with everyone waking me up, and I just felt so light, just wanted to go to sleep. So, Bob started to worry and I don’t know why but the ambulance eventually came and there took me in the ambulance checked me over and I wasn’t right so there admitted me to the hospital obviously. I ended up spending 3 days in hospital on a drip which I’m going to insert a few photos now…
So, I was there for 3 days, I was sick blood, It was a lot, I felt the strangest I’ve felt, the doctors told my mam I was lucky I was alive. One of the strangest things, was I remember laying in bed waiting for my drip and I fell asleep and too me it was all black and I can’t remember this bit but what my mum said…she didn’t think I was breathing so she was shaking me and shaking me and I just remember having one huge breathe and sitting up and throwing my stomach up literally. I reflected on life in those 3 days and I decided to move on from that life I had because it will end up killing me.
So that was my story, part 2 which is going to be the aftermath and I how I coped will be up next Tuesday.
Thank you for reading this part of the story, it was really sensitive to me to re live this but if I could help one person then that’s fine with me.
New blog up every Sunday 6PM, Tuesday 5PM and Thursday 7PM UK Time.
Goodbye for now.